Alicia's Testimony
Depression can sneak up on you. It creeps into a person’s life for many different reasons- sometimes slowly over years and for others, it hits all at once- one day looks completely different than yesterday. My struggle with depression was the latter.
Sometimes that sudden onset of depressive symptoms results from tragic life events such as the loss of a loved one, trauma like a wreck or a fire or abuse. There is another kind of change that might not seem as traumatic as one of these horrible life events but is just as equally shocking and life changing. That change can be described as a loss of identity- meaning a change in who I thought I was and why I am who I am (or why I have value). This describes what caused my battle with depression during my junior year of college at Gardner-Webb and what set me on a journey that would lead me even to this day where I sit here and write an article for The Oaks, a non-profit that I founded, ultimately from this gigantic lesson I learned at 21.
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The only lasting identity is found in God.
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My identity before 21 was found in being “successful” by worldly standards. I made perfect grades and was pretty good at basketball. People knew me that way and, naturally, complimented me in these areas. Over the course of my childhood, I unknowingly developed an identity that was deeply rooted in this success. I mattered because I was good at these things. That belief worked pretty well for a while- it even got me a full academic and athletic scholarship to college.
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That identity worked pretty well until it went away.
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Due to some painful injuries and also a new desire to work with a ministry called Young Life, I made the decision to stop playing basketball after my sophomore year in college. While difficult to make, it seemed like the right decision to make and I do believe that it was. But what I didn’t realize at the time was that I was making the decision to alter my entire identity. I was going from Alicia, the basketball player to …. Now what? Why do I matter anymore? What do I offer the world now? What am I good at now? What if I don’t make perfect grades, then I’m really worth nothing. What used to be a solid foundation for me, soon began to crumble. I still remember waking up one day in the fall semester and feeling so paralyzed with anxiety and depression that I couldn’t get out of bed. I felt too nauseous to eat. I felt too paralyzed to navigate social situations like class or hanging out with friends. I was stuck. My brain that once felt sharp now felt like a holding tank swirling with questions, fear, uncertainty and irrational repetitive thoughts. It was terrible.
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Thankfully, the people that loved me noticed and stepped in to help. They introduced me to the idea of counseling and God blessed me with an incredibly gifted licensed professional counselor. Slowly and painfully over that semester, she helped me unpack my identity of old and rebuild a new, much more sturdy belief system staked on the foundation that when we are God’s children, we are priceless. Period.
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While completely horrible to walk through, that year of my life served as a turning point and developed a passion in me for helping others who find themselves in a similar position. Their loss of identity might be different than mine, but the core is very similar.
We all need to know that we matter deeply to God and that His love for us will never change.
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At the heart of even losses and traumas is a forced change in identity- I am different today than I was yesterday. And when our identity is hinged in something or someone that is changeable, we are set up for the risk that our identity can be shattered. Depression often follows shortly after. Having a solid sense of identity is one of the most critical factors in sustainable mental health.
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This brings me to one of my very favorite things about God- HE NEVER CHANGES. What God says about the priceless value of the people He created NEVER CHANGES. Because of this God that loves us dearly, our worth NEVER CHANGES. It is not dependent upon success, a savings account, awards, amount of possessions, or even in the amount of service we offer to Him. It simply just is.
God says in Jeremiah 31:3, “I have loved you with an everlasting love.”
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God “restored” me during that year of college. He restored me from barely being able to sit up and eat or do my work or enjoy any daily activity. He gave me beauty from ashes, the oil of joy from mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. And I have never been the same. Isaiah 61 describes this powerful transformation. I first read this- my favorite chapter in the Bible and core verses for The Oaks- during that horrendous year. I knew immediately these were my life verses. I knew that God created me and brought me through those times to help others do the same.